Poetry corner – Veg Verse by Kate Williams

Kate Williams is a published performance poet, specialising in humorous poetry for gardeners. Her ‘Veg Verse’ collection is all about the ups and downs of gardening, from slugs and bugs to droughts and floods, and more. She performs her poems for gardening clubs, punctuating her readings with songs (also her own) with classical guitar accompaniment. Details of her shows can be found on her website, Gardeners’ Veg Verse page.

Veg Verse by Kate Williams

Kate Williams

Kate started out as a children’s poet, and has over 100 poems published nationally and internationally in a range of anthologies for toddlers to teens. She also provides poetry workshops for schools, helping kids to get writing, but her real passion is getting adults to laugh, through poetry!

“The great thing about gardening poetry,” she says, “is its rich potential. There’s a landscape of wonder, beauty and humour there to dig up,” and humour is the topsoil of her Veg Verse.

Here is a sample of Kate’s poems:

A Vineyard in your Back Yard

Mateus Rose, Muscodet,
Bordeax, Beaujolais, Chardonnay,
Blanc de Blanc, Sauvignon,
Chateau le Chatelet.

Grow a vine! Make some wine!
Brew a classy glass for Christmas time!

Choose a type of which you’re fond,
buy your kit and wave your wand!

Tipple as you shovel, swig as you dig,
but don’t fall into the pond!

Playing ‘Pretend’ on the Patio

Never mind the weather!
Get your friends together!
Make your wet patio a lido!

Dig out the sun cream,
the sun shade, the sun bed,
the deckchair, the swimwear!
Stick a hat on your head!

Call that puddle a pool!
Bring drinks – and make them cool!
Fetch the lilo, the Ludo, the radio!
Get the barbecue on the go!

Think: France, Greece, Italy, Spain,
green oasis, golden plain!

Look cool, not cold!
Let the dream take hold!
Although…
here comes the rain!

Wishing for a Window Box

Wish I had a window-box
to line my plants along:
two square feet, all nice and neat,
where they could all belong.

Wish I had a window-box,
where nothing could go wrong,
not this gaping landscape:
it’s far too wide and long!

End of Year Evaluation

January: stark stagnation
February: no variation
March: slug gang infiltration
April: nettle infestation
May: hot sun! Need irrigation
June: urgent deforestation
July: rain: inundation
August: mud; exasperation
September: harvest desperation
October: leaves cause drain blockation
November: bleak dilapidation:
rotting, reeking vegetation
December: time off! Celebration!
Send the garden to dam…
but you can do the pronunciation.

Dear Neighbour!

There’s a cat in my garden,
dear neighbour, dear neighbour,
there’s a cat in my garden,
dear neighbour, a cat.

There’s a dog in my garden,
dear neighbour, dear neighbour,
there’s a rabbit in my garden,
dear neighbour, a rat.

There’s a lama in my garden,
dear neighbour, dear neighbour,
there’s a pony in my garden,
dear neighbour, a horse.

There’s a cow in my garden,
dear neighbour, dear neighbour,
there’s a bull in my… ow!

Our Allotment

We don’t get a lot on our allotment,
except for a lot of fat slugs.

They eat such a lot, their brains must rot:
a lot of fat slugs on drugs!

No, we don’t get a lot on our allotment,
but we sit, sipping tea from our mugs,
and if anything grows in the desolate rows,
we stifle its life with our hugs.

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